Dear Lizzy,
I’m writing to get your take on an incident that happened to me over this past summer. For a bit of background, last year I fell and fractured my wrist. Then again, this summer I fell even harder and broke the same wrist and my forearm, along with a fracture of the other. Yes, I guess I’m clumsy. The worst part, though, was I was extremely nervous even walking anywhere. I’m in my 50s and in decent shape, so I’m not infirm and frail, but it was taking a mental toll on me for months afterwards.
Several days after my second fall, my wife and I were in a store waiting in a fairly long line for a register to open. My arm was wrapped in a soft cast and in a sling in front of my chest. As we were awaiting the next available register to open, one of the clerks at the counter loudly spoke out in my general direction and laughingly asked, “So, we all are dying to know what you did to your arm!”
I’ve never met this person before being in this line. I was very self-conscious and, maybe wrongly, sternly replied back, “I don’t feel like discussing it.”
The cashier then closed her register down, walked away from the counter, and left the sales floor as if I had insulted her. My wife thought I had been rude to say what I said, but I disagreed.
Several days later, I thought maybe my wife was correct (aren’t they always?), so I went back to the store and asked a woman working there for the manager, as I wanted to apologize to the clerk whom I wronged. This woman inquired, “What did you say to her?” and I repeated exactly the exchange that had occurred. I then said I just wanted to apologize, but that I was having a very stressful time dealing with the fall. This woman then turned and similarly walked away from me without saying a word! It took me a minute to realize IT WAS THE SAME WOMAN!
My question then is, was I being rude? This person didn’t know the cause of my injury. I know it was an innocent inquiry, but I felt very exposed and singled out in such a public and unfamiliar setting. I would like to know your take on this, as it’s weighing on me.
Befuddled in Michigan
Dear Befuddled in Michigan,
Let me start with this: I don’t think you did anything wrong.
People really, really shouldn’t comment on other people’s bodies. Like ever. I am trying to think of maybe one situation where it would be appropriate, but the only one I can think of is: “Nice haircut!,” which falls more into the category of accessories and clothes, which you can comment on if those comments are nice and not creepy. Like, “I love your coat!” or “Oh my goodness, who did your nails? They look amazing!”
I don’t know why the cashier thought she should comment on your cast, but part of me thinks that the closing of the register and walking away wasn’t about you. And the fact that she repeated the behavior? This again seems like a “her” thing, not a “you” thing.
The only place I would say you did something you could have probably avoided was going back to apologize. I understand the impulse, but here’s the thing: None of us is perfect. She said something rude to you, and you may have responded a little harshly, but…well, that’s life. Sometimes we (the cashier) say dumb things! Sometimes we (you) respond a little too intensely.
I think we (you, me, the cashier) are all still recovering from the pandemic, which led to a lot of social atrophy. We forget that being amongst other people is uncomfortable sometimes, but worth it.
So, give yourself a break. You are fine. You are not a bad person or a rude person. And give the cashier a break, too. Maybe she was at the end of her shift and said something dumb, loudly, and doesn’t want to rehash it at all. Maybe it’s something else. Either way, it likely isn’t about you.
And take care of yourself! You’ll be better soon.
Good luck!
Lizzy
Have a burning question? Send me an email at lacker@oregonian.com or tweet @lizzzyacker! Or, if you want to ask me a question with total anonymity, use this Google form.
