DEAR ERIC: I am a 58-year-old woman who was diagnosed with cirrhosis three years ago. I did not have an alcoholic problem but had to give up drinking due to the condition.
I do admit I miss alcohol; however I’m doing well every day except for holidays or events. It triggers me when I have to be somewhere where everyone else is drinking and I cannot. My in-laws are heavy drinkers (not all but quite a few).
I want to host a holiday but not allow drinking so they can understand what I go through and for support and respect. I came from a family where my father was a drug addict and alcoholic and when he stopped the family supported him by not drinking.
I mentioned to one of my in-laws about hosting Easter, but no alcohol will be provided, nor brought in. I want them to go three to four hours without it. I received so much pushback; it made me very sad and mad.
I kept saying I would appreciate some support from them, so they know how it is like to go to an event and not drink. To protect myself, I have decided not to spend any holidays or weddings this year with them.
This family is not from the USA but Poland. My husband was the only one born in the USA so I’m dealing with an old school mentality. Am I doing the right thing by disassociating myself from them?
– Closed Bar
DEAR BAR: Creating distance from triggering situations is a healthy first step, but it may not get to the root of what’s bothering you. It’s not just about drinking in the present, it’s about drinking culture and about your history with problem drinkers, namely your father. I can’t speak to whether your relatives have a harmful relationship with alcohol as well, but refusing to go three to four hours without a drink is concerning to say the least. At best it shows that your mindset and theirs are far apart on this.
You’ve experienced a sudden change in your life and your relationship to alcohol, and you want some social support. They may not be the people to give it to you. Please consider checking out an Al-Anon meeting. This is a group for people who have been impacted by another person’s alcoholism.
Some of what you’re feeling now may be rooted in the experience you had with your father. It’s also possible that some of what’s triggering you about your family members’ relationship to alcohol is bringing back unresolved feelings from the past. One doesn’t have to be an alcoholic to have a complicated relationship with alcohol or drinking culture. Start to process your feelings about drinking; it may open up new options for how you deal with your family.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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