You guys really have to stop.
As in, knock it off for your own good. Drop the mini muffin and Celsius. Don’t run off to your next grip-and-grin or rush to bully more immigrants. The rapid pace at which you’re working to exert total control over Florida only clouds the core internal wounds causing you to act out.
Consider this a wellness check. You seem to have been afflicted with what in non-clinical terms would be called a Napoleon complex or “short man syndrome.” Whereas some sufferers may compensate for perceived weaknesses with say, a sports car, you do it by pestering local politicians who express disagreement.
This is not a dig at the short kings and queens of the world. Indeed, the potential for this armchair diagnosis runs deep in the halls of the Legislature regardless of physical stature. But for the purposes of this intervention, let’s focus on you, Gov. Ron DeSantis and Attorney General James Uthmeier. Both of you have made a junior varsity sport of menacing and removing duly elected leaders on the most threadbare pretenses.
First it was DeSantis with local state attorneys, Andrew Warren in Hillsborough and Monique Worrell in Orange-Osceola. Now, Uthmeier, you have found time amid your two busy jobs to threaten Tampa Mayor Jane Castor with removal by the governor. You said it’s because Castor is “forcing sanctuary policies on the Tampa Police Department.” That’s stretch to claim about an agency with a 287(g) Immigration and Customs Enforcement partnership, an agreement activists have decried across the bay in St. Petersburg.
One can’t help but wonder, though: Is this chest-puffing actually because Castor appeared on a panel of mayors in January and said something that hurt your feewings? Is it because she is rather tall?
Republicans are historically a people who prize small government and local rule. However, you have abandoned those principles in favor of prancing atop this state in your estimated size 9s, asking the winners of free and fair elections to pledge allegiance to your clubhouse — or else.
You must self-reflect on this compulsive need for control with the help of a trusted professional.
Log into the Wi-Fi and pull up your insurance provider. From there, you should be able to toggle to in-network therapists and mental health counselors. You might have to use the virtual assistant to understand the scope of your coverage, and that can be annoying! Who among us hasn’t battled a chat bot while trying to deprogram megalomaniacal behavior?
Perhaps you might try psychoanalysis, which will plumb your early development. Are you replicating a specific family dynamic in an effort to repair an element of childhood? You know, Freud said we are all powered by these subconscious instincts. You might also benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy, a practical tool for eliminating a performative need to erode democratic traditions.
Whatever approach you take, eat a healthy breakfast, put your phone on silent and go into the appointment with your defenses down. It can be intimidating to look within and ask, “Who hurt me?” But you must explore this persistent need to pop into every municipality as if your Evite got lost in the mail. Sit in the discomfort of not being invited to the party. For it is only in discomfort that we grow.
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