Key events
… and also allow us to introduce our new satire segment, That Was Half Time That Was. “Afternoon Scott,” begins Stephen Carr. “I’d like to take this opportunity to say that Aston Villa are a massive club with incredible heritage and are dead clever and get all the girls.”
Topical calypsos to follow.
I mean … both teams have had a goal ruled out for offside. Both attacks look lively; both defences are a risible shambles. It’s been great fun! We just need a goal. We’re still going to get one or two or five, right? Anyway, here’s the half-time postbag …
“I agree with you, there should be goals in this game, especially given that both defenses are holier than a very tattered shroud of Turin. But conversely, every attacker seems cursed by all the gods of every pantheon. It feels like that if a breakthrough comes it will be an absurd own goal” – Kári Tulinius
“Fans saying that the whole Fernandes (and Martinez) saga wouldn’t have happened under Ferguson need to realise how different the footballing landscape is now. Ferguson was the manager, not the coach, to paraphrase Ruben Amorim. He had full control and final say over everything. If he was in charge today, he would have to answer to the sporting director/director of football etc just like every other coach has to. He would also be subject to the same barrage of abuse that Carrick no doubt has been this week from the respective players agents. Football ‘managers’ have their hands tied behind their back these says; they’re not really in charge of anything – see also Arne Slot and Mo Salah last season” – Dave Estherby
“I know Michael Carrick needs all the help he can get, but having Bruno Fernandes’s brother running the line seems a bit much” – Gary Naylor
HALF TIME: Chelsea 0-0 Manchester United
It’s been fast. It’s been fun. The defences are all over the shop. Goals are surely just a matter of time. Surely?
45 min: Estevao barges his way down the right and shoots straight at Lammens from a tight angle. He had Rogers clear in the middle. Seconds earlier, Mbeumo nearly got through on goal down the United left. Has a basketball game ever ended 0-0?
43 min: … and now, up the other end, Neto spins Maguire down the left and drags a shot across the face of goal when one-on-one with Lammens. How on earth is this still 0-0?!
42 min: Diallo spins the hapless Fofana down the right and he’s clear! He enters the box, opens his body, and aims a curler towards the top left. Just over. A big miss, though to be fair to Fofana, he got back and nibbled at Diallo to put him off.
41 min: … so having said that, Estevao probes down the right and wins Chelsea a corner. It’s swung towards the near post. The ball clanks off Palestra in slow motion, then off Caicedo, and finally off the right-hand post and away! But it wouldn’t have counted, because the ball hit Caicedo’s arm. All in super slo-mo.
40 min: Chelsea are struggling to string anything together, and their fans are beginning to get a bit agitated.
39 min: A corner from the right leads to another from the left. Fernandes loops it in. Colwill wins a header and Penders claims the dropping ball. Chelsea needed that. United have enjoyed 71 percent of possession in the last five minutes.
38 min: Diallo jinks into the Chelsea box from the right and aims for the bottom left. His shot is deflected behind for another Manchester United corner. Chelsea are clinging on at the moment.
36 min: The lead wouldn’t have flattered Manchester United. They’ve been extremely lively in attack; they’ve been the better team. “Has Dr Tottenham retired and handed their practice over to Chelsea?” wonders Sean Orlowicz.
VAR: Chelsea 0-0 Manchester United
… and it’s just as easily chalked off. Cunha had been nudged into an offside position as Maguire was winning his header. The blood drains from Michael Carrick’s face. When your luck’s out …
GOAL! Chelsea 0-1 Manchester United (Cunha 34)
Fernandes hits the corner long from the right. Maguire wins a header at the far post. Cunha stoops and guides a header into the bottom right from close range. Easy as that!
33 min: … and Fernandes’ corner from the right leads to another on the left. Fernandes trots across to take this one as well.
32 min: Fofana, who didn’t have a good game at Anfield in the League Cup during the week, allows Diallo to rip the ball away from him on halfway. Diallo steams clear, and enters the box, shooting from an angle on the right. Penders kicks around the post, saving his defender’s blushes. For now …
30 min: Fernandes threads a ball in from the right for Diallo, who pings a shot towards the bottom right. Penders parries, but only manages to tee up Mbeumo, who declines the chance to shoot from a tight angle on the right. He cuts back for Cunha, whose deflected shot earns a corner from which nowt happens. Both teams look much better in attack than defence.
28 min: Estevao launches a long free kick into the United mixer. Maguire holds his pose and draws a foul from Colwill. United counter, and Diallo nearly gets in ahead of Palestra, who does well to get back in position and clear. It continues to be lively in south-west London.
26 min: “Early days, so whisper it quietly, but United have actually looked quite good so far,” writes Joshua Keeling. And he’s worth listening to, dear reader, because, indeed, here they come again, Diallo releasing Fernandes down the left. The United captain (still) whistles a low ball through the six-yard box. Mbeumo can’t telescope a leg to poke home. Anything on that, and it was in.
24 min: A huge pocket of space for Mbeumo in the middle of the Chelsea half. He advances towards the box, and releases Cunha down the inside-left channel … only for Cunha to take a horribly clumsy first touch, the ball twanging through to Penders. That was a big chance butchered.
22 min: Palmer plays a cute reverse pass down the right for Acheampong, who shoots when he should cross for either Neto or Rogers. He’d have set up a tap-in. Instead, he earns a corner that leads to nothing.
21 min: Both sides will be pleased with their showing in attack. The defences, less so. The crowd well into this as a result.
19 min: The free kick’s sent long. Lammens comes off his line and flaps. Rogers can’t poke home at the far stick, and United counter three on two! Mbeumo bombs down the right and curls a low pass into the centre for Fernandes, who is free but lashes carelessly over from the edge of the box! This won’t end 0-0. It just can’t.
18 min: … Rogers winning a free kick out on the other flank, Fernandes hanging out a lazy leg. Pressing’s all good and well, but. Estevao prepares to swing it in.
17 min: Rogers robs Baleba on halfway, and advances on goal. He lays off to Palmer, who dallies before shooting, and is in turn dispossessed by Yoro. However Chelsea soon come back at United, Rogers nearly getting past Yoro on the left. He earns a corner, which leads to …
15 min: … Neto shoots low and hard from a tight angle on the right. Lammens parries, but only tees up Estevao, who can’t miss from six yards. However, the young winger has been far too eager, and is needlessly offside as he slams home. United get away with one.
14 min: … Fernandes delivers. Fofana clears. Then Chelsea go upfield, and …
13 min: Diallo slips Yoro into space down the right. A low cross. Colwill is forced to bash behind for the first corner of the afternoon. From which …
12 min: Estevao again down the right. A dangerous dribble. He reaches the byline and cuts back, Santos intercepting just in time, with Caicedo lurking. The sun skips across the turf as well.
11 min: Estevao finds more space down the right but his low cross is hacked clear by Maguire. This doesn’t feel like it’s going to be a goalless game.
9 min: Dalot barrels down the left and cuts back for Fernandes, who rolls into the path of Santos, formerly of this parish. Santos opens his body and steers a shot from the edge of the box inches wide of the right-hand post. Penders had it covered. This is an open game.
8 min: Estevao drifts in from the right and looks for the top left. Well wide and high. Again, hats off for ambition.
7 min: Lavia take a quick free kick on halfway, hoping to catch out the wandering Lammens from super-long range. Easy for the keeper, but full marks for ambition.
6 min: Diallo launches United’s first attack down the right. He rolls infield for Cunha, who would be shooting for goal had he taken a cuter touch. The ball instead clanks through to Penders.
5 min: Chelsea pin United back, Palmer and Rogers nearly opening things up down the left. Not quite. The home side on top, and their fans in good voice.
4 min: Chelsea are seeing more of the ball during these early exchanges, for what that’s worth.
3 min: A rare old atmosphere at the Bridge. Saturday lunchtime pints! You see? We have photographic proof.
2 min: A fairly hectic and shapeless start. “The ghosts of managerial past are truly haunting this fixture,” writes Michael Coppejans. “Will there be an exorcism or just a sad departing at the end of this one? Chances are neither as I see in my crystal ball a draw. Let’s hope it as at least exciting for your MBM. Happy Halloween or Samhain if that is your preference!”
Manchester United get the ball rolling. They’ll be playing towards the Matthew Harding stand in this first half.
The teams are out! Chelsea in blue, Manchester United in red. Just as it should be. Poppies on the shirts, with remembrance of the fallen very much in mind at this time of year. A moment of silence, then the Last Post, at the home of the Pensioners. Sleep well, brave souls.
Xabi Alonso talks to TNT. “We are back in Premier League mode, so it is the most important … today is a big one … [Estevao] is ready … he is needed … we expect a tough game … an intense game … we will need our best.”
Michael Carrick speaks to TNT Sports. “There’s no hiding from the fact we want to win games … today is another opportunity … a tough game … we’ve prepared well … the boys are ready … Bruno [Fernandes] is an important player … he’s proved that for quite some time … hopefully we’ll get the best version of him … he’ll do it again, there’s no doubt about that … experience helps … we’ve got a good balance within the group … we’ve had a tough time results wise but the boys are going into this game in a clear frame of mind and we know what we need to do … we can’t control what [Chelsea] bring to the game … we’ve got to be the best version of us and if we’re close to that we’ve got a good chance of winning the game.”
Chelsea can reclaim fourth spot with a win this afternoon. Things are possibly not quite as bad as I painted them in the preamble. Erm. But vibes are vibes, and you get the gist. Meanwhile Manchester United would feel a lot better about themselves if they make their way up to 12th, 11th or even 10th with a big win. Any such progress for the Red Devils would only be guaranteed for a couple of hours, on this eight-game Super Saturday, but baby steps.
Both teams welcome back a fan favourite. Estevao starts for Chelsea, while Bruno Fernandes returns for Manchester United. Jordan Henderson is absent through illness, while Cole Palmer returns after suspension. Kobbie Mainoo is back on the United bench after a few matches out injured.
The teams
Chelsea: Penders, Acheampong, Fofana, Colwill, Pedro Neto, Caicedo, Lavia, Palestra, Estevao, Palmer, Rogers.
Subs: Sharman-Lowe, Barco, Welbeck, Emegha, Quenda, Gusto, Chavarria, Nicoll-Jazuli, Subuloye.
Manchester United: Lammens, Yoro, Martinez, Maguire, Dalot, Santos, Baleba, Diallo, Fernandes, Cunha, Mbeumo.
Subs: Darlow, Mazraoui, de Ligt, Mount, Zirkzee, Tielemans, Heaven, Lacey, Mainoo.
Referee: Peter Bankes
The welcome return of VAR, after a week in the League Cup when nobody noticed it had gone: James Bell
Preamble
None of these lads have started the season as they’d have liked. Chelsea may be fifth in the Premier League table, but they’re out of the League Cup, the fanbase aren’t yet all in on formation-fluid Xabi Alonso, and as Andrew Beasley recently reported …
… their expected-points performance has actually been worse than 16th-placed Manchester United, who are themselves in all manner of bother right now. It’s fair to say that both Alonso and Michael Carrick could do with a win this lunchtime, albeit those hopes are laced with varying degrees of desperation: a defeat would certainly turn up the heat on Alonso, but it might prove one misstep too many for Carrick, whose coat hangs heavy on the shoogliest of pegs. But then we thought that after the Bournemouth debacle last Sunday, and here we all remain. So nobody knows anything for sure … but be certain that the noises-off will get louder, far louder, for someone, somewhere, after the result of this game is in. A draw probably won’t help anyone very much either. Kick-off is at 12.30pm GMT. It’s on!
